I know, people are starving and whatnot, but this is my column, and I get to be as selfish as I’d like. This is a direct plea to all my rich friends (you know who you are) who might be thinking about purchasing me something spectacular for a surprise gift after our years and years of friendship. True, you’ve never given me a single gift or offered even to purchase dinner when we’re hanging out, but maybe you’ll read this and think, "It’s time. Sean deserves something special." With the spirit of greed and excess in mind, here are five gifts I hope my rich friends might get me for Christmas.
The folks at Straight Line Designs have some crazy furniture that, somehow, still seems practical to own. This "bad" table peeing on a rug is both a hilarious conversation piece and really, really stupid item to own. That’s probably why I like it. If I had kids, their rooms would be filled with a boom dresser (that appears as if it has exploded) and, for a little girl, the Anne armoire (which has arms and a face if you look closely). I have no idea how much this stuff costs, but feel free to buy me whatever you want from these mad genius furniture designers.
Inflatable backseat car bed
We’ve all been there before: It’s 3 a.m., and you’re waiting on your mother to come out of the casino. She told you "10 more minutes"; and three hours later, you’re still in the parking lot, and she hasn’t made an appearance. Wouldn’t it be amazing to turn your car into a bedroom? The inflatable backseat car bed seems like a no-brainer, and I can’t believe we’re only now able to purchase an item this important. Also, sexy times? I’ll share my backseat with anybody who buys this for me. It retails for $159.99. Worth it.
Hammacher Schlemmer is a catalog I subscribe to just because it makes the best toilet reading, and if you’re like me, you like to covet when you use the bathroom. The feline treehouse is not for me but would be a gift for Wallace, my shelter cat. It was harvested from a sustainable forest in Florida and Georgia, and basically, my cat would be in heaven. Because of this, I would offer you my tenure as a personal slave. I can’t promise any sexual stuff, but I can clean a sink with the expediency and efficiency of a trained housekeeper. Plus, it’s only $799, which is roughly the price of Justin Timberlake tickets.
Sometimes, you want to be outside, but you don’t want the hassle of having to experience the natural wonders of the outdoors. As an introvert and close, personal friend of solitude, I’d like to have one of these set up in a public park and watch the madness. People would gawk and stare. "Look at that boy in his bubble!" they’d say. But the joke would be on them. I’m in my own little bubble container, away from insects and humans. I’ve got my book and my little teakettle and life is GOOD! Take your freedom and communication and give me my bubble tent. Only $650 for the basic model.
Elmo and Cookie Monster costumes
You need to understand that this is not a fetish thing for me by any stretch. I simply want to own both an Elmo and a Cookie Monster costume so that I and a friend (possibly you?) can dress up and lie down in tall grass with each other. Again, we will not touch each other. No alterations will be made to the costumes as far as holes are concerned. This would be completely platonic and pretty funny if you’d let it be. And only a tad less than $200 for both of the costumes! We could put clothes on them if that would make you feel more comfortable. No touching.
The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.
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