Officials with Dollywood (let’s be honest, it was Dolly) announced last week a 10-year, $300 million expansion of the Dollywood theme park. The expansion includes a family-friendly roller coaster called the FireChaser Express and a 300-room, 100-acre resort called Dollywood’s DreamMore. Here are some other attractions that I am hoping for in the expansion.
Ta-Ta Tidal Wave
A large wave pool called the Ta-Ta Tidal Wave should most definitely be a part of the expansion. This pool would be 4 acres in diameter and essentially a large-scale replica of the most famous pair of breasts in the South. A giant stream of pressurized water would spew from ... well, you know where. The volume of water would begin a series of mini-tidal waves for kids and families to enjoy. Every hour, a loudspeaker would play "Islands in the Stream," and guests would, ideally, be encouraged to slide between the breasts.
Dancing Outlaw Hologram
Jesco White, famously known as "The Dancing Outlaw," was struggling with depression and an addiction to dance. On a foggy morning in September 2011, White threw himself at the gates of Dollywood. Guards attempted to arrest him on the spot, but upon noting White's dancing talents, he was kept on as a theme park talent. As part of the expansion, there should be a Dancing Outlaw Hologram that will dance, dance, dance for eternity. It would be located by the Dippin’ Dots station near the railroad tracks.
Sack Track Speedway
You know what's missing from Dollywood? Burlap. The park should plan to have daily sack races through an extremely difficult and dangerous speedway circuit. Maybe these sacks could even be equipped with outboard motors to increase the speed. For added adventure, the circuit should be through a densely wooded area stocked with reptiles and other bite-y things. Oh, the fun that would be!
The Sea Terror that Came to Dollywood
Combining the traditional folklore and natural beauty of Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains with the cosmic horror of the writings of H.P. Lovecraft, The Sea Terror that Came to Dollywood would be a high-speed thrill ride through the antediluvian shadows of the park. Riders would step into a makeshift carriage and begin what they assume to be a romantic ride through the park. A faint echo of dread would then pierce the gibbous moon. The carriage would move faster until suddenly you were flying while being pursued by a foul demoniac sea fungus.
Jack Frost’s Snow Country Village
A large portion of the funds used for expansion should be allocated to something called Jack Frost’s Snow Country Village. This venture should be a 10-acre version of what a village might look like under the control of fictional character Jack Frost. Sometimes referred to as Old Man Winter, Jack Frost is known to be responsible for the onset of frosty weather. Because Parton originally planned a water and snow park before Gaylord was bought out by Marriott, this could possibly be an act of spite against those companies. The village could be an Appalachian-style country setting whose snow sparkles magically, even in the hottest of Tennessee summers.
This column is 100 percent satire and/or absurd, nonsensical ramblings from a completely strange individual. Realize this before you get too upset. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.
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