Thursday, April 17, 2014 · 8:45 a.m.
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You may remember my last column, where I talked about just how much I suck at Pinterest. I figured now would be a good time to share some of my biggest fails with you all.

Pizza casserole
One time, I tried to make a pizza casserole because it looked amazing and delicious. It was a pretty straightforward recipe, but I’m cheap, so I bought, like, an off-brand of an off-brand bag of mozzarella cheese from Bi-Lo. I lovingly layered my casserole precisely how the recipe instructed, trying not to pay attention to the quality of the cheese. It was kind of rubbery and chalky, but I brushed it off and figured it’d be fine (spoiler alert: IT WAS NOT FINE).

... My friends, never buy an off-brand of an off-brand of cheese if you can help it. It made the entire thing taste absolutely terrible. It tasted like cooked rubber, chalk and kitten tears. I choked it down because I was hungry, but I died a little inside that day. It’s hard to believe that something made of ground beef, pizza sauce, cheese and pepperoni can taste so awful; but somehow, I managed to make that happen.

Cleaning the showerhead
The other night, I was feeling ambitious and very "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" and suddenly remembered a “clean your showerhead the easy way!” pin that I’d seen on Pinterest, where you pour some cleaning solution into a plastic baggie, then put the baggie around your showerhead. You then take a rubber band and loop it around the showerhead to keep the baggie in place. The only cleaning solution I had contained bleach, but I figured bleach pretty much kills everything (including the lining of my nasal passages and my brain cells), so I used that.

As I tightened the rubber band, the bleach solution came pouring out of the bag and ALSO onto my ear, face and hair because I HAS A SMART and had managed to position myself directly beneath my showerhead. I panicked for a few minutes and frantically doused my head with cold water. I hurried to Google and asked, “What do I do if I try something I saw on Pinterest and end up with bleach on my face?” Surprisingly enough, not much comes up if you ask Google that. Thanks for nothing, Internet.

Once I realized that the bleach wasn’t going to burn me to death, I felt pretty silly standing there with bleach splotches on my shirt and half of my hair dripping. In case you are wondering, the original pin said to use vinegar and not bleach, and this is why I should READ THINGS before attempting them. Having that information prior to my experiment would have been helpful, as I’m fairly certain the vinegar wouldn’t have caused an hourlong burning sensation behind my right ear. All mild chemical burns aside, this actually worked really well and totally cleaned the showerhead.

Birthday cake
Perhaps my greatest Pinterest disaster was the time I tried to make my daughter’s third birthday cake. I am not a particularly OMG YAY BIRTHDAYS type of mom, but I do have this one hang-up where I INSIST on making my daughter’s birthday cake myself, even though it ultimately ends in disaster because baking, decorating, party planning and birthdays in general are not my forte. But I stubbornly refuse any and all help year after year because THE CAKE IS MY THING. MINE.

For her third birthday, the cake I chose to attempt was a simple-enough concept, a round cake with vanilla frosting covered in brightly colored sprinkles—except for in one spot where you lay out an outline of the number of your child’s age, that part of the cake doesn’t have sprinkles on it. I was confident that there was NO WAY I could screw this up (spoiler alert: SCREWED THE CAKE UP. BEHOLD!).

My version of the cake looks like a fairy sneezed all over a pile of mud and then tap danced in the middle of her snot-covered mud pile, leaving teensy footprints smack in the middle of the cake. (Photos: Flickr.com/photos/brinkenzi/6973386233/ and Natalie Green)

So really, the problem I ran into with this cake was because of my own procrastination and lack of planning. I waited until the last second to get the decorating supplies. I took Nellie shopping and let her pick out the frosting color and the type of sprinkles. I couldn’t find a large “3″ stencil, so I settled on a wax candle in the shape of a 3 instead. It’ll work out fine! It’ll be great. Cutest ever. Wrong. Wrong. WRONGEST WRONG THAT EVER WRONGED.

Even though almost everything I’ve ever tried on Pinterest ends in disaster, I just keep trying because I guess that’s just what you do. If at first you don’t succeed and instead end up with a disgusting casserole, mangled birthday cake and chemical burns in your ear canal; try, try again. Right? Right.

Natalie Green is a Chicago girl living in Chattanooga with her husband and their 3-year-old daughter. When she’s not working full time outside of the home, she enjoys reading, writing, singing, zombies and running. From zombies. And also beer. You can stalk her blog, Mommy Boots, or follow her on Twitter @mommyboots; or you can email her directly at nagreen84@gmail.com. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.

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