Friday, November 28, 2014 · 3:25 p.m.
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So just in case you aren’t very familiar with the Internet these days, Pinterest is a website where you virtually "collect" things: crafts to do with your kids, recipes, cleaning tips and tricks, stuff you want to buy. It’s kind of like hoarding, only digital, and without so many cats and garbage bags.

I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest. I can spend hours on it, but pretty much every single pin I see makes me feel like life’s biggest failure. As I scroll through my feed, each pin I see makes me feel a little worse about myself.

While the children of Pinterest moms are playing with whimsical unicorns that were painstakingly handcrafted out of organic felt and up-cycled buttons, frolicking in their beautiful, hand-sewn costumes, eating their homemade, nutritious meals and NOT getting their lungs poisoned with chemicals because their moms make their own earth-friendly household cleaners, my child is sitting naked on the floor eating Cheetos and watching "Jake and the Never Land Pirates" for the ninth time in a row; and I am throwing some chicken nuggets in the oven for lunch while spraying the counters down with the cleaner I bought at the store for $2 that may or may not contain toxic chemicals that will ultimately kill us all.

I respect Pinterest as an outlet for sharing ideas with others, but I think that things are getting kind of out of control.

It’s bad enough to feel pressured with day-to-day things, but you’ve only scratched the surface—it’s worse around the holidays. At Thanksgiving, you get the homemade glitter wreaths and handprint turkey crafts to do with your child, but let’s be honest: When you try to actually do those projects, you just end up with glitter EVERYWHERE (glitter: herpes of the crafting world) and a splotchy paint-turkey that looks like it got hit by a car.

Christmas is the worst because NOT ONLY do you feel pressure to get your children amazing gifts, but you also have to decorate the house so that it looks like something out of "Disposable Income Weekly Magazine" AND come up with clever and silly Elf on the Shelf ideas. We don’t do Elf on the Shelf because for one, I think it’s creepy as hell; and two, I’d forget to move the thing every night and ruin Christmas.

"Mommy, why didn’t Snickers move last night?"

"Because he got drunk and passed out. Go play in your room."

You would think that the insanity would end after Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentine’s Day. You would be wrong. Here comes St. Patrick’s Day. 

I'm supposed to build this leprechaun trap to convince my child there's a tiny magical creature in the house? I think not. (Photo: Pinterest.com/pin/379709812302801359)

NOW, thanks to Pinterest, you must make your children think that there is a leprechaun in your house. Because THAT’S not creepy. Make "leprechaun footprints." Write teensy letters from the leprechaun to your kids and stuff them inside teensy envelopes! SCREW YOUR WRITER’S CRAMP. YOU WILL WRITE THOSE TINY LITTLE LETTERS, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT! Now that you’ve convinced your child that a wee, magical creature is living in your house, MAKE A TRAP AND CATCH IT. Don’t forget to bait the trap with tiny doughnuts! Mmm, leprechaun doughnuts. Tastes like overachieving!

That’s it. I give up. I can’t handle this anymore. If you need me, I will be in a corner quietly sobbing while stuffing leftover Valentine’s Day candy into my mouth (spoiler alert: I take my child’s Valentine’s Day candy AND I EAT IT).

As a person who is not particularly creative or interested in crafts, Pinterest tends to make me feel bad about the lack of turkey handprints and leprechaun doughnuts in my child’s life. I know that I can’t be the only one out there who is just not good at this crap. I feel the need to form some kind of club or support group. We can call it My Crafty Is Broken and I Suck at Pinterest, but we can totally shorten it to MCIBAISAP (pronounced "mc-eye-bye-sap") because that’s a lot easier to remember. We can meet weekly, share Pinterest fails and drink lots of vodka. Oh, and bring food! It’ll be a potluck meeting! I have the greatest ideas ever. Who needs Pinterest? NOT ME.

Let’s make this happen—MCIBAISAPOCHA (that’s "My Crafty Is Broken and I Suck at Pinterest of Chattanooga"). Who’s in?

Natalie Green is a Chicago girl living in Chattanooga with her husband and their 3-year-old daughter. When she’s not working full time outside of the home, she enjoys reading, writing, singing, zombies and running. From zombies. And also beer. You can stalk her blog, Mommy Boots, or follow her on Twitter @mommyboots; or you can email her directly at nagreen84@gmail.com. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.

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