"You’re not obligated to win. You’re obligated to keep trying, to do the best you can do every day.”
―Jason Mraz, fitness guru
Starting some sort of regular fitness routine is always near the top of many people’s resolution lists for New Year's. It is always at the top of mine. Depending on the year, this resolution will include cutting calories, drinking more water and eliminating unhealthy foods altogether. Some years, I’ll even join a gym for a few months. The biggest mistake novice gym-goers make is not following the “rules” of the gym environment. You will be ridiculed and asked to leave if you don’t adhere to the following guidelines.
Make eye contact with everyone
Upon entering the environment of a gym, you must establish dominance with the other people in the gym. Once eye contact happens, do not be the first person to break contact. This will indicate you are weak and gives the other person all the more reason to strike you in the face. I have seen unbroken eye contact last for hours. Remember that YOU have as much of a right to be at the gym as anybody else. Simply make eye contact with everyone until they look away. This is more important than anything else you will hear about the gym experience.
Avoid basic hygiene
Don’t be fooled by the existence of showers. There is no need whatsoever for washing yourself before or after your gym routine. Society has conditioned us to think our bodies need to be squeaky-clean. This is a misconception. In fact, the opposite is true: The less clean you are, the better results you will see. Do not worry about the smell of sweat emanating from your body while at the gym. You must embrace this smell as a token of success. I have also found that producing a sweet, unclean odor will help keep others away from your gym territory. Coincidentally, the opposite sex is more likely to be attracted by your “natural” smell. This is the smell of sex. The subconscious primal instincts will kick in, and you will be unstoppable.
Everything is a competition
The gym is not a place for personal growth or achieving fitness goals. Many people are initially confused by this. In actuality, the gym environment was created around competition. This is why you should challenge not only yourself, but everyone around you. This is easily done and can be a rewarding experience for both individuals. Simply walk up to another person in the gym (while keeping eye contact), and say something like, “I can bench press more than you, and I’m willing to prove it.” Then walk away. If the other person is weak, they will be shamed and immediately shower. If they follow you, a competition will begin. The loser will be subject to ridicule and may be asked to never return. Obviously, it is important to pick your battles wisely. If you don’t think you can win, you probably shouldn’t offer to compete. You’ll learn.
Be loud, be proud
You will find that most people like to wear earbuds and listen to popular music while “working out.” However, you cannot do this if you want to survive in the long run. You must be as loud as you feel necessary with every move. Nowhere else in this world can you walk with such an air of pride and ownership. Your goal is to be the unofficial “king” of the gym, and you cannot do that if you listen to Carly Rae Jepsen on an iPod. These mobile devices have forced future kings to be louder than ever with their displays of dominance. Grunts, yelps, growls, farts, chest slaps and war cries are all important noises to master as a part of your journey. Your job is to not give a damn about anybody else. Remember this.
Expect instant results
You should expect and receive instant results with your new fitness routine. If after the first day you haven’t established dominance, marked your territory, secured a mate and won your first competition, there might be something wrong. If, at the end of the day, you cannot look in the mirror and see the person you set out to become, there might be something wrong. The gym is all about immediate changes. Your body should begin to chisel overnight—even after a day. If none of this is happening, it is time to begin taking supplements. Ask the salesperson at GNC for “testosterone precursors” and anything with “DHEA.” You should also purchase ephedrine, caffeine tablets and multiple syringes. Folks, this gym stuff is serious business. You need to know exactly what you’re doing before you subject yourself to the environment.
You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.
