My girlfriend admits her knowledge of football is minimal. My knowledge of football is by proxy. I’ve watched hundreds of games and know the rules, but I wouldn’t call myself a fan nor do I care about the outcome of the games. We watched this year’s game together, with the accompaniment of alcohol and homemade hot wings. The questions began immediately.
Where are the Giants from? Are they the New York Giants? So why is "it" in Indianapolis? Is it only places with pro teams that get the location? What happens if the predetermined location is home to the team that makes the Super Bowl?
We’re off to a rollicking start with these legitimate questions, all before the opening kickoff! She worked the first two questions out on her own right after she asked them. Yes, the New York Giants are from New York. To answer the second question I explained that "it" (presumably she meant the game) IS in Indianapolis. That city is just the location of the game that was predetermined several years in advance. They are planning to have the 2013 variety in New Orleans. If, for example, the Indianapolis Colts were to have made it to the Super Bowl this year (AHAHAHAHA!), then they would’ve had a decided home-field advantage. In fact, no team has ever played the Super Bowl at their home venue. I am awesome at this! Maybe I’m a real man after all.
What is a safety?
Good question. You have to understand, readers, that my girlfriend is a person who understands the concept of “icing” in hockey, so this shouldn’t have been too big of a deal. Unfortunately, the basic concept of football is lost to her. I had to start with explaining the “gridiron” and how points are scored. I finally had to use coins to demonstrate that a safety is when a team is so terrible they basically are forced to retreat into their own end zone. It’s the ultimate signal of a bad drive. A safety would be like an entire hockey line somehow ending up hiding in their own net, crying and possibly soiling themselves. And for some reason that would cost the team two goals. I’d had a lot to drink by this point, and honestly answering questions was getting on my nerves a little bit.
Where are the hamsters? (asked during Madonna’s halftime show)
First, Madonna looks good to be nearly 75 years old. She’s apparently had some work, but if you have the money to do a little work on yourself then why not, eh? We watched the halftime show in a bit of a food coma. I wasn’t asked another question until the rap duo (band?) LMFAO joined Madonna during the medley to perform their hit “Party Rock Anthem.” You need to understand that the girlfriend and I are very into American and roots rock and not necessarily fans of mainstream pop. Our only exposure to this song would’ve been in the Kia Soul commercial that features dancing hamsters. To be honest, I was wondering the same thing. Kia should’ve paid millions of dollars to include the hamsters in the show.
What is it about football that makes people love it so much?
I don’t know. It probably has something to do with our inclination as humans to choose sides and revel in the sporting life. Why do you like talking so much? Ouch. I didn’t mean to say that. You talk a legitimate amount, but not too much. Certainly not enough for me to make a comment on it. Your wings were amazing. Look, football is America’s sport. Or is that baseball? I’ve had a lot to drink. Football has easily been around since before slavery. It’s the perfect mix between violence and color. There’s testosterone pumping and balls flying all over the place. Well, you know what I mean. Right? I’m sorry. Please don’t hit me.
Is each quarter like 10 minutes or something?
You know what? Yes. Each quarter of the 60-minute game is 10 minutes long. They play six quarters throughout the game. So, yeah, two minutes are left in the fourth quarter now. That means we have what is called “The Late 20,” which is essentially a quarter times two. It’s like a hockey period! What’s interesting is that every point is worth 2 instead of 1. So a touchdown is 12 points, and a field goal counts for 6. The players have to wear blindfolds and chastity belts after the “virginity” incident of Super Bowl XLI. Look it up. I’m going to bed. And I love you.
You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this editorial belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.
