I still occasionally get cards in the mail from people I barely knew in high school wishing me a Merry Christmas or a Happy St. Patrick’s Day. I’d like to use this concept to send awkward Valentines to people I barely know, declaring my interest in getting to know them better and possibly having sexual intercourse. For example, I always get a Christmas card from my car insurance broker. I think he deserves a Valentine’s Day card from me, thanking him for his many years of quality insuring, but also hinting that I might like to meet him sometime for a cocktail and gossip. I will also write a paragraph about how tremendous his hair looks. This concept also works when sending a general holiday greeting to a married couple. Focus the writing and interest on just one of them, paying close attention to physical details and veiled innuendo. Watch them squirm the next time you see them.
There is no worse time to break up in public than on Valentine’s Day, when every other couple is celebrating their love by having a nice dinner. That’s why a staged, violent breakup is a perfect way to throw everyone off kilter. The restaurant has to be nice, and it has to be relatively quiet. The idea is to shatter the silence with what will appear to onlookers as years of pent-up aggression and hostility. If the tension is built correctly, your performance will not only be the only thing remembered from the evening, but it also may force other couples to examine their own relationships. The scene should largely be improvised, with the climax being a dramatic departure of one of the participants. The one left should seethe quietly, ignoring the awkward glances. I’ve found that defiantly remaining and finishing the meal is far more awkward than chasing after the one who left. Add a creepy element by occasionally smiling to yourself.
Aggressively seek a date
There isn’t a worse time to try to pick up a date than Valentine’s Day. There aren’t any singles mixers or casual groups of friends going out on the town. It’s nothing but a sea of happy couples at most establishments. But just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean they aren’t open for a bit of flirtation from the guy at the bar. This is a good way to get killed, but it’s still funny. Just randomly approach dining couples and offer to buy the woman a drink. Ignore the man. Now, the chances of you being successful at this are almost nonexistent. That’s not the point. The point is to make Valentine’s Day as awkward as possible. If things get too heated, just apologize and pretend you didn’t know they were on a date. “Sorry, dude” works well. Alternately, do the same but go after the guy.
Rent a billboard
There’s so much fun that can be had by renting billboards for special occasions. A small, simply designed billboard can be purchased for under a thousand bucks. Imagine your friend’s reaction when he sees a picture of himself with the words, “Jessica, will you marry me?” written out to the side. Imagine Jessica’s surprise as she sees a billboard from her ex-boyfriend proposing marriage. And now imagine Sarah, your friend’s current girlfriend, reacting as she sees a rather elaborate proposal from her current boyfriend to his recent ex. Oh man! You can also use billboards to promote your fake charities and organizations. “Don’t get VD on Valentine’s Day!” with a picture of your ex-girlfriend alongside. Or better yet, a black billboard with “Don’t get VD on Valentine’s Day!” signed “ -- God.”
Host a polygamy celebration
This a great scene to stage if you’re a guy who has a lot of female friends. Reserve a table for seven, and make sure your party consists of one male and six females. Make sure the women vary in ages and ethnicities to add more confusion. The male should be middle-aged and unremarkable. Wear suspenders. The women should range in ages from very young to very old. Tell the server that you’d like to split several bottles of “primo cabernet sauvignon” with your seven wives. Loudly toast to your wives so that the entire restaurant can hear. Make sure you pray before dinner. The man should occasionally catch the glances of other men and provide an affirmative wink in their general directions.
You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this editorial belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.
