It was probably in the seventh grade and not when I was 7 years old that I accidentally stumbled upon the Playboy channel for the first time at a friend’s house. Regardless, this list is not about that special time in my life. Instead we’re focusing on the best age of your lifetime: 7. It’s the age where girls are way icky, and pursing careers as both a deep-sea diver and a professional wrestler seems perfectly reasonable. I remember thinking it might be cool to be a deep-sea diving wrestler, but it never happened, obviously. This is for all of those 7-year-olds who keep writing me, asking for things to do in Chattanooga. Randall and Curlique, this is for you.
Go to school
I know, it sucks. You could be role-playing house at home with your dollies or inventing sprawling scenarios of intergalactic warfare with your Star Wars LEGO sets. Instead, you get to sit in a desk and learn about complex sentences and how to add and subtract money. Trust me, I would rather live in my head all day too, but unfortunately, your government and parents have required you to actually learn something, so in that desk you sit. It’s not all bad, though. Learning about the body is kind of cool, right? All that gross stuff we do has a purpose. I’ll bet you that one day you’ll be glad you learned how to tell time and read a book. Take the daily routine of getting up and going to school to heart because it really is an indication of how most of you will spend your entire lives. If you’re a go-getter and want some supplemental education, I suggest “The Big Short” by Michael Lewis and Richard Dawkins’s “The Ancestor’s Tale.” Both are highly readable and offer a unique perspective on the housing bubble and evolution by natural selection, respectively.
The zoo
Speaking of animals, make your parent(s) take you to the newly renovated Chattanooga Zoo. Unlike most zoos, our local version allows you to get up close and personal with a few animals as opposed to viewing a large number of animals from far away. I actually touched some sort of snake when I went! It was totally awesome! They have chimpanzees that will show you their butts and a lot of really colorful birds to taunt. It was neat to see raccoons in an enclosed environment instead of outside in your garbage cans. The red pandas are cute, but they will bite you if you get too close.
Coolidge Park
Every 7-year-old I know (not that many) has spent at least one summer day frolicking in the water fountain at Coolidge Park. Only a few ended up with staph infections. But seriously, you might get a staph infection, so be careful. The fountains in question are located near the carousel in Coolidge Park and can get way crowded when the temperature is above 90 degrees. The safety of the fountain is questionable, but you’ll learn that the most fun things to do in life are usually slightly dangerous and not very hygienic. I’ve seen a lot of kids wearing water-wings (floaties?), but these aren’t necessary because the water is 0-feet deep.
Pump It Up!
Whenever somebody asks me to suggest a place to have a kid's birthday party with about 15 or 20 guests that requires little to no planning on the parents' part and is relatively cheap considering, I used to say Chuck E. Cheese's. Not anymore. Pump It Up!—a franchise specializing in inflatable party awesomeness—has won me over. Imagine a typical backyard trampoline, and then quadruple its size. Now add slides and birthday cake! That’s Pump It Up! I’m a 28-year-old man, and I’m seriously having my 30th birthday party at this place if they’ll let me. YOU CANNOT IMAGINE THE FUN THAT IS TO BE HAD!
Dog park
In your letter, Curlique, you explain to me that you are terrified of all canines—that it stems from several incidents involving stray pit-bulls when you were younger. You might be surprised to learn that I, too, once shared a fear of dogs that became realized after being bitten by first a boxer and second my own dog that turned on me because I tried to poke it with a stick. I’ve overcome that fear, Curlique. It was simply a matter of being around dogs that didn’t want to kill me and had no history of attacking humans. I suggest going to a local dog park. Most of these facilities require owners to be present with said dogs. Don’t stare at a dog’s eyes directly. They think you’re challenging them to a fight. Let a dog come to you. Once both you and the dog are comfortable with being around each other, then, and only then, is it safe to ride the dog like a pony.
You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this editorial belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.
