Almost all of my friends have moved on to marriage and children or substance abuse problems since our “wild” days in college. I remember feeling so much pride right after a good, old-fashioned make-out session with someone you barely knew and would probably never really know. It makes me sad that none of my friends partake in what was THE highest level of success a person could attain just a few years ago: the perfect make out. I implore all of the readers of this hastily written material to seize once again the idea that making out with another, possibly random, person is just about as cool as it gets. Here are five places to get busy with some passionate, deep-tongue kisses, y'all.
Eastgate
Not the most romantic place to kiss whatever it is you’re kissing, but definitely the safest of them all. Why? Because anyone who is at Eastgate is either there to work, go to the YMCA or, God forbid, to party at the Electric Cowboy. This leaves nearly five acres of unused, un-patrolled parking lots for use as make-out fun zones. The key to a good inside-the-car make out is simple: get a sunshade. Yeah, if you’re making out in a car in the middle of the day, people are inclined to stop and watch. I do it all the time. Your job is to make it seem like there’s JUST A CAR with nothing going on inside. Turn off the lights, pop up that sunshade, spin Roxy Music’s “Avalon” and let Bryan Ferry pull your strings like a marionette. (Note: This can be done solo too. Ferry is that good.)
Sports Barn parking lot (upper deck)
Downtown seekers of make-out locations are often discouraged by the lack of secluded places. Luckily for you, I have the answer. The Sports Barn fitness club owns a parking deck directly beside Hair of the Dog restaurant and pub on Fourth Street. The bottom of that parking deck is accessed from Market Street, and the top half has a separate entrance on the back from Cherry Street. About 50 percent of the time, the gate is open for anyone to park there. Nobody does. The parking deck has enough area to comfortably find that special spot to enjoy yourself and others. I’ve walked up the steps to the upper deck on several occasions and witnessed scenes that I usually have to pay $9.95 to watch in a hotel. Chattanooga’s best-kept secret.
Coolidge Park
Coolidge Park would not be my personal choice for a suitable location to make out because I am not an exhibitionist while sober. Still, the park has its advantages, and many a couple have been seen entwined on its grassy splotches. One advantage would be the convenient location next to many of Chattanooga’s nighttime hot spots. You could go have a bottle of wine and a nice dinner before strolling down to the park for a blanket party with your sweetie. Personally, I would have to be extremely intoxicated before I could be convinced to lay on a blanket and kiss someone in public. I’ve found, through intense observation, that Coolidge Park is to making out as Piccadilly is to casual dining. Teenagers should stick to cars.
Edward’s Point
A moderately strenuous hike for about an hour will lead you to one of Chattanooga’s most spectacular views and, in my opinion, the best place for a sunset make out with a pretty lady or pretty dude. Start out at the Rainbow Lake hiking entrance on Signal Mountain and wind your way down, then up, then across to several rock overlooks that are simply breathtaking. Pack a bottle of wine and maybe some cheese and fruit for an early evening snack. Pull your partner close, and begin pecking at her face with a series of slow, wet kisses. Never close your eyes. Keep them wide. You don’t want to miss the sunset. The key to Edward’s Point is getting there before the sunset and then getting back out of the woods before dark.
Lamar’s Restaurant
There’s something very appealing to me about being at a location that you know is pretty grim on the sanitary side of things but also so weird and interesting that you just can’t help but stay. Lamar’s, located on the corner of Central Avenue and M. L. King Boulevard, is about as local as it gets. The interior is reminiscent of the hotel from “The Shining,” and the jukebox plays nothing but old blues, jazz and R&B. Velvet wallpaper in the bar and delicious fried chicken are only a couple of the surprises inside this time capsule of Chattanooga. It must be the potency of the drinks, but I’ve done things inside Lamar’s that I’ve never even thought about doing outside ... in the real world. I guess that’s why it’s my favorite place to take someone I want to make out with. It’s a perfect place to say, “Okay, things are already weird in here. Honestly, how much weirder would it be if we just started making out?” Works every time.
You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this editorial belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.
