The following list includes places that regularly appear on Google searches as “places of interest" or "fun places to go" for prospective visitors to Chattanooga. They shouldn’t be.
Hamilton Place
Insufferable hell. That’s the best possible way to describe this vast wasteland of every possible store you could imagine with everything you could possibly want to purchase that isn’t a basic human need. It’s as if you’re driving into an alternate reality where everyone is angry and all the food is terrible. People seem on edge in the land of Hamilton Place, probably because they were all nearly killed by coffee- and chicken-fueled shoppers racing to the nearest sale. I sit on a bench outside the Republic of Bananas and watch people buying candles, tennis shoes and pigs-in-a-blanket and know that somewhere in the city somebody is doing something memorable. If you’ve never longed for a Thoreauvian existence, then spend a day at Hamilton Place.
Jack’s Alley
Nobody knows who “Jack” was, but it’s safe to assume he’s probably upset that somebody named such an uninteresting alley after him. This 420 Broad St. alley is literally just a walkway surrounded by chain eateries such as Taco Mac, Panera Bread and Sticky Fingers. There’s also a “boutique” called Backstreet Betty’s, which, to my understanding, does not sell clothing for ladies of the night despite what the name suggests. The fact that Jack’s Alley appears on many Google searches as an “essential landmark/point of interest” is absurd. I helped a couple with some directions in the downtown area last week, and I asked what they planned to do while visiting the city. The woman said, “We’re going to the Tennessee Aquarium, and then we’re visiting Jack’s Alley.” Unbelievable.
Rock City
I heeded the advice of the barns ("See Rock City!") and ventured to Rock City recently, and I honestly don’t understand all of the “magic” surrounding the place. It seems odd that one of Chattanooga’s most recognized “places of interest” is just too darn boring (or barn doring ... ha!). I understand the interesting history behind the place, and the view is unquestionably spectacular, but I can see the same view in my car as I drive up. You have to be extremely high on marijuana to understand anything going on in the Fairyland Caverns, and the Rock Gardens are interesting to move through, but at the end of the day they’re just ... rocks. It’s possible that I’m just a purist, but I’ll take a hike up to Edward’s Point on Signal Mountain any day before I’ll pay $16 to see “seven states” (yeah, right) and a bunch of evil neon gnomes in disturbing death tableaus.
Sir Goony’s
Where do I start with this one? So much failure. Okay, let’s open with the website alone. I encourage everyone to visit sirgoonys.com and come back when you finish having the seizure you’re no doubt about to suffer. Stopped convulsing? Good. Sir Goony’s Family Fun Center is billed as a “family friendly” fun park with such activities as go-karts, mini-golf, batting cages (huh?) and an arcade. The problem I have with Sir Goony’s is that how it’s advertised is a far cry from the reality once you’re within the complex. Everything is dilapidated. The mini-golf course is unkempt and in dire need of a paint job, the bumper boats are floating in dirty hobo water and the go-carts don’t really “go” at all. I suppose Sir Goony’s annual Haunted Carnival is such a success because not much is needed to convert the regular amusement park into a terrifying, sadistic freak show. If this list were titled “Five places you go and then immediately regret going there,” then Sir Goony’s would be at the top.
Aretha Frankenstein’s
I hope it’s possible to say that a place can be overrated without saying that it’s bad because Aretha Frankenstein’s is not bad—it’s just overrated. The food is good. The atmosphere is a mixture of funky and interesting, but that’s about it. There’s very little room to maneuver comfortably—especially on weekends—and parking is a bit of a nightmare. The service leaves much to be desired, and the servers seem not to realize their job is to take orders and keep customers happy. Perhaps it’s just me, but I don’t think I’ve ever taken advice from Rachael Ray or really given much care to whether she has eaten somewhere once or not. She just ain’t my kind of gal with her Tom Waits voice and “punish me” eyes. I guess that what I’m saying is this: Aretha Frankenstein’s gets a lot of unnecessary accolades when, in reality, it’s a very mediocre restaurant with both decent food and a decent wait staff. That’s about it. Maybe try the pancakes?
You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this editorial belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.
Updated @ 8:36 a.m. on 02/06/12 to add Sean's contact information.
